Magic Pill Lyrics

These days one has to stay on top of science and technology
Not easy for a Renaissance romantic such as I
Who shies away from medicine, in fact I am most reticent
Concerning drugs and docs, but I know why

My father was the same, a man of very simple living
He had only kept two products in his bathroom medicine place
One one shelf Super Poly-Grip for fastening his dentures
On the other shelf was Preparation H

One morning after late night poker stumbling round his powder room
He needed both, God know what he was thinking
For what was on one shelf was what he had thought was on the other
And for weeks his lower cheeks were gripped
While all his teeth were shrinking

I prefer a naturopath, massage and acupuncture
Or a stress-reducing weekend in the waters of Niagara
But the scientists have turned my head, ten bucks a pop and off to bed
So down the hatch and up you go, Viagra

Viagra, Viagra
Incredible, impotent magic pill
Viagra, Viagra
For what would not before now surely will

As good as life can ever get, a grown-up guy's Erector Set
Demand so high the docs can barely fill
Our glances meet across the bar, we wink in sync and there we are
"Don't worry," I confide "I'm on the pill."

Things were going really great, I started staying up so late
That like my father, mornings found me stumbling in the loo
And like my daddy did one day, I mixed the bottles up, oy, vay
A different sort of circumstance ensued

It happened in the symphony, my gal and I had gone for free
Through tickets from a friend in the orchestra
I thought I'd planned ahead so well, until a leaky feeling fell
I realized I'd ODed on Olestra

Olestra, Olestra
A minor side effect is diarrhea
Diarrhea is not your best friend
Even though it comes out okay in the end

I jumped right up, or so I thought, but all my efforts were for naught
For every move I made was in slow motion
And then it hit me like a wall, I'd mixed 'em up and mixed 'em all
And chased it with Prozac and Rogaine lotion

My toes were turning stiff and I was struck with oral leakage
I grew hair in places I could not conceive of, so to speak
I cursed my slurry slothy self and went back to my bathroom shelf
And tossed 'em all away and took a week to clean my system

Viagra
Olestra
Diarrhea

Be on your guard
Just one more new trick
For a really big kick
There are some things you should sometimes disregard
And I never knew that life could be this hard