Lyrics to Book Boyfriends
Yeah
This one's about my wife
And her infinite men
Her Kindle's basically a brothel at this point
My wife ain't cheating—
But her Kindle sure is
'Cause she's got thirty fake dudes
All calling her "miss."
There's a fae king, a wolf shifter
A demon on deck
And a vampire who's somehow
Always kissing her neck
She laughs, kicks her feet
Gets all blushy and warm—
While I'm in the kitchen
Fighting Tupperware like a storm
I'm like, "Babe, you good?"
She's like, "OMG—WAIT—
The orc just picked her up
Like she's his fated mate!"
Girl
How I'm supposed to compete with that?!
These dudes got wings, tattoos
And stamina stats
Meanwhile I'm over here
With back pain and snacks
My wife got book boyfriends
Lined up in rows—
She could start a damn army
With the men she chose
Every night she's like:
"Omg, new toy!"
And I'm just standing here like
"Girl what about your boy?"
She got a harem
A whole damn crew—
Six in every book
And she reads book two
She don't need reality
She got her joys—
A library full
Of delicious boy toys
Look babe
Don't take it so rough—
Just 'cause my book men
Are a little more buff
They got claws, magic, fangs
Torsos carved like art—
You got dad jokes, snack crumbs
And a good heart
Which is cute!
But these men be like:
"My queen, my mate
Let me worship you all night
With unholy fate."
Meanwhile you're like
"Babe, wanna DoorDash fries?"
I love you, boo
But these men got thighs
She'll finish a series
And swear she's fine—
Then thirty minutes later
She's got a new man online
I ask "Who's he?"
She says, "Oh—just a prince"
Then shows me a cover
With a dude who's all rinse—and—ripped
She says, "Babe, he's sweet
And he calls her his treasure."
Girl, if I talked like that
You'd call 911 for pressure
But hey—
If she's happy
With her little book clan
I guess I'm okay
Being boyfriend number
(Turns page)
Damn—TEN?!
My wife got book boyfriends
Stuffed in her brain—
I swear if they paid rent
We'd be rollin' in gain
She dimples, giggles
Screams "OH MY GOD!"
While I'm just sitting there
Feeling oddly flawed
She got a harem
A magical squad—
Each one built like
A Roman Greek god
She don't need reality
She got her joys—
Stacked like Jenga
With her pretty boy toys
Look babe I get it
They're fictional! Don't cry
I'm not crying—just heavily hydrated in the eye
You'll always be my main character, babe
Until the next series drops
Probably
This one's about my wife
And her infinite men
Her Kindle's basically a brothel at this point
My wife ain't cheating—
But her Kindle sure is
'Cause she's got thirty fake dudes
All calling her "miss."
There's a fae king, a wolf shifter
A demon on deck
And a vampire who's somehow
Always kissing her neck
She laughs, kicks her feet
Gets all blushy and warm—
While I'm in the kitchen
Fighting Tupperware like a storm
I'm like, "Babe, you good?"
She's like, "OMG—WAIT—
The orc just picked her up
Like she's his fated mate!"
Girl
How I'm supposed to compete with that?!
These dudes got wings, tattoos
And stamina stats
Meanwhile I'm over here
With back pain and snacks
My wife got book boyfriends
Lined up in rows—
She could start a damn army
With the men she chose
Every night she's like:
"Omg, new toy!"
And I'm just standing here like
"Girl what about your boy?"
She got a harem
A whole damn crew—
Six in every book
And she reads book two
She don't need reality
She got her joys—
A library full
Of delicious boy toys
Look babe
Don't take it so rough—
Just 'cause my book men
Are a little more buff
They got claws, magic, fangs
Torsos carved like art—
You got dad jokes, snack crumbs
And a good heart
Which is cute!
But these men be like:
"My queen, my mate
Let me worship you all night
With unholy fate."
Meanwhile you're like
"Babe, wanna DoorDash fries?"
I love you, boo
But these men got thighs
She'll finish a series
And swear she's fine—
Then thirty minutes later
She's got a new man online
I ask "Who's he?"
She says, "Oh—just a prince"
Then shows me a cover
With a dude who's all rinse—and—ripped
She says, "Babe, he's sweet
And he calls her his treasure."
Girl, if I talked like that
You'd call 911 for pressure
But hey—
If she's happy
With her little book clan
I guess I'm okay
Being boyfriend number
(Turns page)
Damn—TEN?!
My wife got book boyfriends
Stuffed in her brain—
I swear if they paid rent
We'd be rollin' in gain
She dimples, giggles
Screams "OH MY GOD!"
While I'm just sitting there
Feeling oddly flawed
She got a harem
A magical squad—
Each one built like
A Roman Greek god
She don't need reality
She got her joys—
Stacked like Jenga
With her pretty boy toys
Look babe I get it
They're fictional! Don't cry
I'm not crying—just heavily hydrated in the eye
You'll always be my main character, babe
Until the next series drops
Probably
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