Lost Wallet Waltz Lyrics

To whom it may concern regarding my wallet
The purple and black one I didn't take hiking
The reason I left it behind in the car was
I didn't think I would be needing my billfold for
Climbing a mountain, the less weight the better
Especially at forty-one hundred feet high
Now you've got my wallet and I've got a headache
And both inexorably linked by demand and supply

I have a car alarm but I didn't set it
In case it should go off while we were up hiking
And bother the rest of the outdoor enthusiasts
Who'd come to this mountain to flee from the noise
Of the city, the traffic, the crime and the sirens
The rustle and rumble, the roar of I-5
And thus you're now holding the paper and plastic
Rectangles that prove I'm alive

There's my driver's license, don't laugh at the picture
So what, I was having a really bad hair day
The green card belongs to our natural food coop
I think it expired but you can renew with my
Mileage Plus Visa, the Gold one I used last year
Paid for my wedding, we walked down the aisle
If you use the Visa, please call 1-800
And see if they'll give me the miles

I appreciate the neatness with which you could bypass
The lock on the passenger door of our van
And how one little "Jimmy" could pop the thing open
With barely a trace of a struggle or tantrum
I hope you're not injured, but if you need treatment
My Blue Cross credentials should fare you quite nicely
And if you need directions wherever you go next
Call my Triple A and they'll give them precisely

The long distance phone card is cheaper on weekends
But not so for Blockbuster video renting
Please use your discretion with my ATM card
I'm sorry, I'm probably mad and I'm venting
It's just that you know how much time it will take me
Replacing those papers I carry around
Not to mention my coffee card, please send back my coffee card
I promise I won't prosecute on those grounds

I don't mean to say that our day wasn't lovely
What with sandwiches, strawberries, chocolate, graham crackers
But a word of advice, if you ever go hiking
With trail mix from Costco, stay close to a bathroom
Hey, we got some exercise, fresh air and nature
And you, you went shopping with my cash and plastic
So if you should vote with the card with my name on it
Please kindly vote Democratic

If you had to have money you could have just asked me
I might have said no but I could have referred you
To Doug at the bank who just gave us a mortgage
If he gave us money, he'd give some to you
But I can't really blame you, the world isn't fair
Sometimes people, they lose things and others, they find em
I hope you can use all that stuff in my wallet

But I probably would not use that condom